Well I was born here in Arizona in 1986, my mom was not married to my dad although she did make the decision to have me and raise me. Thank you Mother. My mom was young and did not have the support from my father that she deserved. My father Steve, the nicest man you will ever meet had a disease. He was an alcoholic. My mother was never the type to try and keep me from him even though his disease was rapidly growing. She knew he loved me and I was all he had. My father till this day has never been married, has no children (but me) and by his deceitful actions has not the best relationship with his family. I think my Mother thought that if I was still involved in his life that one day he would grow up and change. Although it never happened. The quality time I got with my Father when I was younger was hanging out at bars, keeping an eye on what he drank and him luring women into our home. I got a lot of attention at the bars because I was a little, blonde hair, blue eyes child in this adult atmosphere. I was the mascot at the bar. My dad would give me money to play the games (I learned how to play video poker at the age 5) and would give me as many shirley temples as I wanted. I believe my mom just looked the other way praying that it wasn't as bad as it was. I remember locking my dad out of his friends house who was having a party because I didn't want him to take a shot of liquor. He was already drunk enough and I knew he needed to drive us home. I was much more the parent in our relationship. I can't imagine a young child having so much responsibility but I did, I had to. I knew if something went wrong and if my dad got caught that it could be the end for us. I had to hide what he was doing and how he was acting from my mom. I loved my dad and did not want my mom to take me away from him. As a child I was also sexually molested. Not just once but a few times. It was always the same person but just during my childhood. I will not name any names and no it was not my father. He loved me way to much. Till this day I never doubt how much he loves me. It is his disease that makes him incapable of showing me. My sexual molestation was a secret. I knew in my head that it was wrong but never wanted to bother anyone with it. Too be honest I acted like it never happened. I lived my life thinking it was just a bad dream I dreamt up. I believed my lie. It to me was just a very bad dream. I never told my dad, mom or anyone. My dad still does not know. My mom does now. It came out when I was a teenager. I don't remember why I choose that day. I got upset with my mom and acting out of emotion I just blerted it out. She started crying. Then it was there I told her that it was just a bad dream and I probably made it up. Again, believing my lie. Shortly after we went to a counselor. I remember sitting down and telling her about my bad dream. The lady sat there and looked me in the eye and said this was a very common excuse for what did happen in my life. That the details I remembered and being so young when it happened it was just not a bad dream. She explained to me that a young child's mind cannot make up the details that I had. A 5 year old does not think up something like this. I felt angry afterwards. My life was easier to just dismiss the situation as a dream. Once I realized what happened and knew it really did happen to me, I shut the door on it. I just throw it in with all my other junk. This is the first time I have openly even mentioned it. I have told some people but still the number of people can be counted on my hand. I had my father that I had to give my energy too and I had my mom (my rock) who I had to protect and make sure no man would be in the picture. My Mom was all I had and I will be damned if someone took her away from me. She was mine and the only stable person I had. My mom was my protector. One day she dropped me off at my dad's house and we went into the house and there sitting on the couch was a drunk blonde lady. My mom was puzzled and looked at my dad asking him why the hell she was there when it was his day with me. My dad said that it was his friend and she needed somewhere to go. My mom was not having it, she said that my dad could not see me if she was going to stay there. Now everything after this is a blur, it happened really quick. Next thing I know my dad grabbed me on the arm not letting go. My mom being the mama bear that she is, jumped on him and was hitting, scratching and biting him telling him to let go. My dad was not hurting me, he just would not let go of me. Finally my mom got him to let go and we took off running to the car. We hurried and locked the door and with us both crying drove right to my counselor's office. After that I still wanted to see my dad which I did. Things changed though, she got a lot more nosey of what we were doing. I got used to lying for my dad. I made my mom think he was doing better and everything was fine. One night me and my dad went to his friends house for a party. It did not take long for him to get drunk. Again, I was babysitting him, telling him what to drink, how much to drink, locking him out of the house, making him promise me that this was his last drink. It was a pretty normal night for us. (This is what we did when I was with him.) It was time for him to take me back to my mom. He did and thankfully got me their safely. I don't know how I was so lucky to not get hurt by him constantly driving with me drunk. I got to my mom's boyfriend's house (she had been dating this new guy) and after I got dropped off she asked if my dad drank today. Of course I said no. This time was different, my mom seemed more interested than normal. I insisted that he was fine and did not drive with me drunk. I was lying and she knew. That night my relationship forever changed with my father. That was it for her. My mom finally decided that I could not see him anymore unless he got help. She thought that taking me away from him was going to be his rock bottom. Well it has been 16 years since that night and we are still waiting for him to get help. Over the years have been difficult for us. I go years without seeing him or talking to him, then he will appear again and we talk. I try not to give up on him. It is hard. I have been told to keep praying for him but why? I have prayed for him for years now and we are still in the same place. I have a lot of anger because his side of the family have been so great to me but I am not that close to them. If I see them then I have to deal with my father. It is easier to not deal with him and protect myself but by doing that it has robbed me from a relationship with that side of the family. I have so much guilt about it. I wish they knew how much I think about them and love them. I am sorry I don't call or visit. It isn't you, you did nothing wrong. I just don't want to have my heartbroken by my father again. I don't want to be reminded. I have a beautiful family over there in Buffalo, New York. I talk about my Polish family quite often. I just am not close to them. I stopped visiting when my dad decided to leave rather than get help that night. I used to visit every year when I was younger. Now I have been there three times in the past 16 years. My heart aches that he took a whole side of my family away. If I visit them, I see him.
People growing up knew I did not have my dad in my life. I hid my hurt quite well. I tried to fit in and acted like every other kid growing up in the suburbs of Arizona. My mother did a fantastic job on giving me the love and stability that I needed. I excelled in school, being involved with all sorts of clubs. I was student body president for two years in a row at my high school. I got involved in Young Life which saved my life. I had to plant my feet firm on the ground so people wouldn't know that I was a mess on the inside. I acted like my life was a breeze. Their were years it was. I was for the most part happy. Inside I missed my dad terribly, and wished he would of choose me. If you read this dad, know that I love you and my prayers have been for you to get healthy and for a close relationship between us. I know you want to be apart of my life but I needed you years ago and you are still sick. I am grown up and it hurts me that you can't see my beautiful life. God has saved me and has held my hand through the trials. I wish you could be here to meet my amazing husband. I am so in love Dad! God brought me a great man. He is my dream come true. I wish you could see me now.
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