Nice to meet you...

I always thought that when I get married, I would be prepared. You all are probably scratching your head asking yourself what the hell I am talking about...Let me explain.

If you would of told me that I was going to get married at the court house in Phoenix I would of said you were crazy. I may not be really girly but I dreamt about my wedding day. I wanted the white dress. When Joshua and I met we knew that was it. We were meant to be, without a doubt.

Most of my good friends are married. I was the ultimate "3rd Wheel." I always asked my friends how they knew their husband's were "the one." Of course they told me, "oh you will just know." What a horrible answer!!! I wanted details. I dated many guys and never had that powerful feeling, I always had a wandering eye. This guy is great but let me just keep one eye opened incase someone better comes along. You have to keep your options opened right? I thought you would find someone who you enjoy, who is nice and liked the same things as you. Then you decide if you could marry them. They will be a good partner to spend time with. I never felt BAM! this is it. I might of wanted that with some of the guys I dated but I was more in love with the idea of being "in love." I wanted to be married and have a family so bad. Some guys I dated would be great husband's. I am not here to talk badly about them. Most of them were great! Just not for me...

The last few years have been pretty hard for me. I have had to conquer many of my demeons. I lost my job and it was really hard to find another one like it. I got spoiled because I made a good amount of money and now it was gone. I had to file for unemployment because I had rent and everything to pay for. If I look back, I wish I never did. I am still trying to crawl out of that hole. Since I was a resident of California and made a decent amount of money, it  helped me with filing for unemployment. I qualified and got $450/week. How awesome is that? Plus since my fall out with mormonism and utah I moved back to arizona. Everything in Arizona is cheaper than California but I was still getting paid from California standards. I had the life, sitting on my butt doing nothing but making a good amount of money. Plus this happened when the economy went drastically down and the government kept extending my unemployment. I was only going to get it for 6 months but after extention after extention it lasted more than 2 years! During that time I told myself to get a job. Every job I got paid less or the same. Why the heck would I work 40 hours a week to get paid the same??? That is stupid. I did keep busy traveling, I went to Hawaii many times and visited friends around the country. I fly free because my mom is a flight attendent for Us Airways. Since, I had all this free time and money I did whatever I wanted. Soon I was doing nothing. Except shop and sleep....honestly. I got so lazy. Who wouldn't be with money coming every week. My intentions weren't to take advantage of the government. But I did. I was a lazy person living off the government. (cringe) I would of never guessed I would ever be like that. I was always motivated and hard working. I was working by the time I was 12. If I could make my own money I would. I loved and took pride in working hard and earning my money. All of that dissappeared though. During the time I also was having lots of health issues. I honestly think my body got sick from being unmotivated. I fell into depression also. Next thing I know I was dignoised with a heart condition (SVT) my endometroisis was getting much worse, and mentally I was not the same. Till this day I am still pulling myself out of this hole I created. Every morning I tell myself that I need to be productive today. It is hard. Since my unemployment ended I had to force myself to get a job. I had a lot of extra time to really find something I liked or go back to school. But I did not take advantage of it. To make quick money I got a job as a cocktail server. (yuck.) Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it wasn't me. God gave me talents that I needed to exercise and I was basically telling him that my way was better plus I wanted to make a quick buck. I was making great money working at a slutty bar in Scottsdale. I only last a couple months because I hated the enviorment. I felt like a piece of meat and it was disgusting. Of course that did not even teach me a lesson. 

(Me in Hawaii)

My grandpa knew I was looking for a job and he told me that there was sign by his house looking for help. We drove there together to look at it and what do you know, a new country bar was opening. I walked in and filled out an application. I thought that this place was going to be more respectable than the place in Scottsdale. (which it is, but not by much) I wanted to bartend but had no experience. I told them that and they said, that is okay we can teach you. Sweet. I soon was a bartender. I really did love working there. The people were great and money was flowing. I knew in my head that I did not want to stay their long and it was just until I found a "real" job. Well I ended up staying because the money was too good. God is right, money can be the root of evil. In no way I am saying people who work at bars are gross because they aren't. My sister even works at a bar. I wish she didn't but who am I to tell her that? I feel like a horrible example. I was. I always tried to keep my bartending lifestyle separate from my personal life. Which for the most part I did. I worked to survive and did not want to mix the two. I always said I wasn't going to find my husband at a bar. I think God found humor in me saying this. About 3 months into working at the bar guess who I met? 

I was bar tending in my normal spot. I was always towards the back on the left side by the dance floor. This tall guy comes up and orders a drink. Since I love talking I said hello and we chatted a little bit. I was curious because at this bar there are many regulars. It was rare to spot someone I have never seen before. I noticed he had tattoos, lots of tattoos. I asked what they were and asked if he was Christian because all of them I saw were biblical. He told me, yes, I just moved here to Arizona because I got a job at a church. My eyes lit up. A hot, tall, christian man who works at a church! Luck me! Plus he didn't seem "Holier than Thou." He seemed pretty normal. I had a bad experience in the past dating a Christian man. This man (in the past) would always make me feel horrible about myself and made me feel like I was condemned to hell. The guy I used to date would constantly belittle me and made me feel that I didn't have a relationship with God because I forgot to read the bible that day or I didn't pray enough. He was extremely controlling. What a horrible experience I had. But this new guy I just met seemed pretty normal. We couldn't talk too long because I had customers to serve. He would come up here and there but we didn't get a chance to really talk. Ok I will admit it, I hit on him....I told him to call me sometime and I would introduce him to some people out here. I wasn't really going to do that, it was just an excuse to give him my number. He told me he would call me and we said our goodbyes. Little did I know the guy at the bar was my husband! 2 and a half months later we were hitched! ha! Life couldn't be any better. I love that man more than anything. I am so blessed to have a man who loves me for me and his foundation is the Lord. He strives everyday to be a good husband. As corney as it sounds, I love him more everyday. God had a plan and I am thankful I didn't screw it up. 
God truly has a sense of humor and who of thought I would meet my husband at a bar! 

Answered Prayers

Do you feel that God uses you? I do sometimes but not very often. I always wrestled with the idea that God choose me to make a difference. Sometimes I have doubt that I'm even making a differences. I feel so unworthy. It is surreal to me to think that God has specific things for me to do. He must care a lot about me, right? He does and I know but somedays I feel like I am not good enough. Especially because I am far from perfect. I have fallen many times in my faith. But I know God was always there to pick me up, dust me off and told me to try again.

Something happened today that blew my mind. Who would of thought that God would use my mistakes for his Glory. That the knowledge I did gain from my mistake helped a complete stranger. I helped saved her life. Wow. 

If you read my blog you will know (a couple blogs back) that I was once Mormon. After I researched the religion and the doubt I had, I eventually left. I had to write the Church 3 letters just to get my name off the records. I did not want any ties to the church at all. About 2 weeks ago, I wrote something on my friend Stephanie's facebook. She posted a video on how Mormons are Christian. I saw some of the responses and I wanted to chime in. I like a healthy debate, I wasn't trying to offend anyone. Most of the people were Mormon commenting on the post so I thought it would be a good idea to get another faith's idea. I did not know by doing this, it would open up a can of worms. I had many people asking me questions on how and why I left their church. During this time, this girl someone I have never met messaged me and said: 

"Hi my name is (blank) and what you said on Stephanie's page really made me think about a decision I am about to make. I wanted to know if you could talk to me about your experience. I am currently dating a Mormon guy and am about to get baptized as a Mormon. I just want to make sure this is the true church and I am making the right decision. Thanks. "

Holy crap!! She is coming to me? Wow. I sat their looking at the message and started praying. This is an answer to prayer for me. I always wanted to be used in this area but did not know how. I got worried bc I did not want to screw this up. She was exactly in my situation 4 years ago. I knew the first thing I had to do was get a prayer army. I told my close friends, my family and a few people at my church. I told them the situation and to pray for her and me. I just wanted to say the right thing and show her love in any decision she will eventually make. I did not want to make her feel like I was judging her or coming off too strong. We ended up writing back and forth. I sent her some papers I had and told her my story. Then a week goes by and no word from her. My heart sank because maybe she made up her mind and did not want to tell me. I kept thinking about her and praying for her.

 

Well, I wake up today and look at my phone and it says I have a new message It was from her!!

This is what she says,

"Hey girl, just wanted to say thank you. Truly, it took me a couple weeks to read what you sent me and to understand the walls I was building between me and the lord. I loved this man, I broke it off yesterday. One of the hardest relationship ends I've had. He was perfect but oh so lost and I couldn't follow into his world. The LDS world seems to perfect so fun so loving but they are lost it's hard for me to say this because a piece of me wants to say it's all-true and to be one of them but I would be lying to myself. All this to say you are an-answer to my parents and many of my friends prayers. Thank you fir taking the time to reach out to me. I hope someday we can meet!"

I teared up!! What an answer to prayer!! God can use your mistakes like he did mine and he did it right in front of my face! God can move mountains and I am so blessed to be apart of God's work. I hope this encourages everyone. God can use you! Let's be messengers of Christ. No matter what situation you are in, we all have a part in God's work, we just need to act.

A changed person

Honestly, I am a little drained from writing all these serious posts. They are really important subjects but this one is too. It is just "lighter." I wanted to take a moment and talk about my dog. ha....yes I have turned into one of those weird animal people. If you would of asked me a year ago that I was going to feel this way about an animal, I would of said you were crazy and stop using drugs. My dog Scruff(y) (this is how my husband told me how it is written) really changed my out look on animals. Here is the story about Scruff(y)...

Shortly after Joshua and I got married he wanted a dog. I said, no if you want a pet, lets just have a baby. Same thing right?!? Honestly, I was not an animal person at all. I sort of liked other people's animals. I never wanted to own one. They were to much work and I always thought people who were crazy about their pets had a few too many screws loose. In fact, a few years ago I went on a date with my friend's older brother. Of course the date was awkward, it was the first time meeting each other. We went to Pita Jungle and of course asked the awkward first date questions. He asked me if I liked animals. Without hesitation I said NO. Well not really. That was the last I ever went out with him. My friend called me and told me how her brother thought I was kinda weird because I said I didn't like animals. This was the first time I ever was told that my not so love for animals was a weird trait I had. Why does he care that I don't like animals....My philosophy was when you have an animal, they are just an animal. Not a human being. When they die just get another one that looks like the one you had. Not a big deal. I did not understand why people had such an emotional attachment to their pet.

Back to what I was saying, when Joshua and I got married he said he wanted a dog. No way I said. He kept bugging me about it. I told him to get a fish. No, he didn't want one of those (or a baby for that matter.) Then we compromised (as healthy married people do) and agreed that we can get a hamster. One Saturday we were driving from somewhere and he said that he was taking me to a store but it was a surprise. (Nordstrom's I hoped!) We drive to PetsMart. He said it was time for us to look at hamsters. Till this day I swear he had another motive. We walk into PetsMart and surprise surprise an animal shelter was there. Every Saturday dog shelters go to PetsMart and try and get people to rescue them. We walked around and of course we looked at the dogs. I am allergic to everything so even thinking about an animal made me sneeze and itch all over. We walk around and then suddenly my eyes caught this poor unfortunate soul. 

Here was this poodle mix dog, the ugliest creature you will ever see. He was so skinny (unhealthy skinny) he had open wounds all over his body (other dogs attacked him) and was so timid. I immediately picked him up and told Joshua that we needed to save him. He looks at me says, really...out of all the dogs, you want the broken one?!? Well YES I did! He goes on to say, this dog is ugly and pathetic....and you don't even want a dog! I have been begging you and showing you pictures online of non broken ones and you kept saying no. My mind was made up. I needed to save this dog. I knew he was pathetic looking but he had my heart. I asked the employee how much he was. He told us $160. Holy crap even for this one!? I had to put him back because as a newly married couple we did not have that extra money to spend on him. I was heartbroken! We left the store and got into the car. Next thing I know the employee is knocking on my passenger window, I roll it down and he says, I think you are this dogs only hope, he has been in the shelter for a long time and almost deemed un-adoptable. If you don't take him we will put him down. I will take whatever money you have in your wallet. I was thrilled, I ran back in there and grabbed him. Joshua filled out the paper work still shaking his head saying, what the hell are we going to do with this thing! 

I can say (as well as Joshua) that it was the best decision I ever made. We kept his name the shelter gave him because in all honesty he looked Scruffy. Now Scruffy is apart of our family. I swear Joshua is more affectionate to our damn dog then he is his wife. I have never been so attached to something before (that wasn't human.) I take Scruff with me everywhere and can't imagine my life without him. He is the most spoiled dog ever. He sleeps in between us and is an amazing cuddler. That dog is so attached to me. Sometimes it will drive Joshua crazy because if I am home he won't leave my sight. Even if Joshua calls him, unless I get up and go over to him, Scruff will not go. Scruff is always falling asleep on me and loves his Mama. When we went out of town to visit my in laws in Texas I freaked out because we were going to leave Scruff with my mom for a week. I called her all the time to make sure he was okay. My mom told me that I needed help and go to a therapist, he is just a dog Rhienna!!! Well he is my dog and is exactly what I needed. He keeps me busy and keeps me company when Joshua is working. I love him so much. 

I will admit that I am completely changed. I am now a weird animal lover that defiantly has some screws loose....

                                                                        My World

The Paul's

I told you so...

My life has been quite the journey if you ask me. I always have to try something, fall on my face and get back up again and say, "yep you were right." I have been blessed with people in my life that will warn me and try to tell me the easy way but I have been the type to find out for myself. Which I am still confused if I would recommend that mentality to someone. I look back on my life at 25 years old thinking that there were many situations I should of listened to the advice I had rather than hear "I told you so."

I really want to share with you my testimony (which after writing this will be some in this post and my next that I am currently writing.)
 On Facebook recentley I opened my big fat mouth. Which I tend to do often. I get told I am "too honest" at times. My husband is constantly telling me how he cringed when I said "that" whatever it might be. I am just a very honest person. I tend to say something THEN think about it. 
My faith is my foundation. I take my relationship with Jesus Christ very seriously and hopefully when you first meet me within minutes you will know how much I love Jesus. I have no problem shouting it outloud. Even when I bartended, I was labled the "christian" girl. I always asked my clients about their spiritual life and had some interesting conversations. My first serious relationship was with a guy named Joe Nagy. He was openly agnostic. He believed that there was probably a "higher" being but Christianity was just a joke. It was a way for people to control weaker people and get money from it. I spent years in a relationship with him defending my faith. I can't thank him enough for putting  up with me. Today I feel like he was one of the most important person in my life when it came to establishing my faith. Without him I wouldn't of asked the hard questions. In honesty it would still be my parent's faith. I would just believe in it because I was told to. Every one used to ask me why I did date him because of his passion against my faith but he challenged me and made me really research why I did believe in it. I had to. He was very smart and knew a lot. I had to keep up. In the end I chose my faith over him. One day he asked me to choose between being with him or my God. I said my God. I knew that we couldn't be together and any future I was wanting with him wasn't going to happen. We fought to much over my faith. He was trying to save me from it and I was trying to save him from not believing in it. We are still friends and I have much love and respect for him. He asked me the hard questions and it helped me grow. Also God had a much bigger plan for me. He had someone that he was molding for me and was much better fit for me. (the love of my life and now husband Joshua) After my relationship with Joe ended I really wanted to investigate what religion I wanted to be. I was christian and loved the Lord. No doubt about that but what church was right? 
(here is me and joe)

Growing up my mom made me go to church. She thought it would be good for me because I was pretty messed up. I loved going to church, I made a lot of friends and went to church camps multiple times a year. It was more fun for me then anything else. In Highschool I got involved with an organization called Young Life. Another fun group with great people, plus all my friends went. I didn't know Young Life wad going to change my life though. 
Young Life was great for me because their approach was very gentle. Young Life strives to build relationships with kids then tell them about Jesus. They don't beat you over the head with the bible and tell you "thou shall not!" I even remember kids coming to group high or drunk. My leaders would just say, well at least they came and they are here than somewhere else." There was little judgement, and lots of love. I couldn't believe how these leaders volunteered their time for us bratty high school kids. We must of drove them crazy with our drama. I would know, because I was a Young Life leader for a few years! I had the best leaders in the world and they really brought to light what true faith in Jesus Christ was and how it was a serious decision. Being a Christian was more than just fun. I gave my life to Christ at a Young Life camp. Here are some Young Life Pictures (when I was a leader)

Of course I made a lot of mistakes during high school and college. I had high morals but people are imperfect. I loved attention from boys and got my fair share of it. Since I had no father in my life, I put my attention on dating. I dated all sorts of guys. Never the right one. I always thought I could change someone, I wanted to be their savior. Well listen up girls! You can't be! I would always have new boyfriends. Gosh if I only knew that God had someone so much better! I wish I didn't give my heart out so often. I wish I waited for Joshua.

(my sexy husband in above pic)

In March my mom, sister and I went on a girls cruise to Mexico. I was 21 and ready to mingle! ha. On the cruise of course I meet a cute guy. After Joe and I broke up I vowed I would only date someone who believed in Jesus. Well I thought I did. I met Ben who was Mormon. He was a great catch I thought. Had the same morals, wanted the same things in life. Here I go again giving my heart to someone so easily. I knew of mormonism, I grew up in Gilbert, Arizona by the way. I knew how wrong the religion was and I was going to save Ben from it. He needed to know the truth. Ben lived in Orem, Utah and I lived in Huntington Beach, California but that didn't stop us from dating. I flew for free because my mom is a flight attendant so I had no problem flying back and forth. He spent all his savings too and came out to see me quite often. I would go to his church when I was there in Utah and he would come to mine when he was in California. Again here I am in another relationship defending my faith. We talked about the differences and went round and round. Funny how things work. In my apartment building I lived next door to Mormon missionaries. I always said hello to them. I knew they weren't weird evil people. Mormon's are great people and most of my good friends are LDS. One day I got so fed up with Ben saying I had all these misconceptions about his religion so I knocked on the door and asked if they could meet with me. Of course they were thrilled. I met with them on a regular basis for 6 months. They taught me how the Mormon church was the one true church and on the outside it was everything I wanted. They lived happy lives. I wanted the white picket fence, children playing in the yard, my husband being involved in church, a morally acceptable life. Mormon's had it and I wanted it. Man, I battled it out with these missionaries. I thank them for being so forgiving with me. I kicked them out once, yelled at them, said they were wrong over and over again. They never stopped meeting with me. Soon I found myself second guessing my beliefs. Maybe I was wrong and the mormon's were right. Their religion made sense to me. The misisonaries told me that I wasn't leaving my faith, I was just adding something better to it. Sounded great, I can keep my love for Jesus, keep my boyfriend and have the love and acceptance of the mormon community. I made a choice that I wanted to be Mormon and got babtized. I kept it from my christian friends and even my family. I knew how upset they would be. I was them once, bashing the mormon faith and now here I am Mormon! How pissed will they be! I was happy being Mormon, plus I could have a family I only dreamed of. Eventually I moved to Utah to be closer to Ben. I got involved with the church, going twice a week. On Sunday and on Tuesday for their college study. I met so many fantastic people.

(me living in Utah and my loving friend's I made there)

As much as I wanted to be Mormon and had become Mormon I still felt uneasy. I was embarassed to tell people about it. Which was odd, I have no problem shouting that I love Jesus but there was no way in hell I could say I was Mormon without feeling right. I just ignored my feeling though and went on being Mormon. One day at church my bishop was talking about heaven and of course being loud mouthed I asked in front of everyone, "since I am a convert will my family be with me." I knew what they believed and it was No and that really bothered me. I needed more information. I had one on one meetings with my bishop asking him questions. I believed this was the true church but why am I seperated from my family? It tore me up on the inside. Plus Ben always mentioned how we were going to be married one day. Of course he wanted to get married in the temple. I knew that was the right thing but then I would have to wear those dumb garmets and my family can't watch me get married. Again I was bothered. I knew all this when I got babtized but actually doing it was a whole other thing. Plus I couldn't ignore this uneasy feeling I still had. I felt I was never going to be a good enough Mormon, I liked coffee and tea, I had tattoos, I felt different. Plus I was a "convert" and I felt that meant I was second class to those who grew up Mormon. 
I went to Arizona to visit my family and I was at my mom's house. She knew I was mormon and was not thrilled but of course loved me and treated me no different. She was always good with that. We were watching TV and South Park was on. We never watch South Park, I was always against it. But it just happened to be the episode on mormonism. Of course it was! My luck. My mom made us watch it. We laughed and it was very funny. I remember thinking how silly it was and I did really believe it! I believed this guy (Joseph Smith) stumbled upon these tablets, read some secret writings and Jesus came to him. Couldn't they make up a more believable story? It didn't stop me from being Mormon though, I still was. Me and Ben went back east to see my dad's side of family which I haven't seen them in 6 years. I wouldn't go alone so I brought him. While we were there we went to Palmyra. I learned more about the church. Ben was in awe of everything that was there. We went to Joseph Smith's house, walked around the forest where he discovered the writings, it was beautiful. After our vacation we went back to Utah. I resumed my meetings with my bishop and still wanted to fill myself with knowledge. I thought by gaining more knowledge it would help grow my faith and testimony in the church. It turned out the more I was learning about the church the more I was struggling with it and I just had more questions. Well, you just need to pray about it and rely on your testimony, I was told. Really, that is it?!? Something was fishy here. Why wouldn't they answer my questions more? I went to conference and saw the president and the disiples speak. Again more questions. I looked around the room asking myself if I was the only one with the questions and if I was the only one not having the full peace about it. I felt I was in a room full of robots. I even thought that Mormon's prayed the same, they were wired so different than I was. I just wanted to fit in. At this time Ben and I started fighting more and more about my questions. I just couldn't win. One night I was sobbing and on my knees praying. Please make these questions I have go away, please make me feel peace, please show me this is what is right. I wanted the Mormon church to be true. Please Lord make me see it. I see glimpse but the more knowledge I got about the doctrine the more I had doubts. The next morning I woke up in a totally different mind set. I was never so sure on a decision, I had to get out. I knew that deep feeling I had of doubt was the holy spirit. This church is wrong. This church is not a little bit wrong but a lot wrong! And me, my love for Jesus was strong and I believed it! My christian friends and family were right. I know they prayed for me everyday and it worked. I felt like a fool! Seriously, they got me and told me what I wanted to hear. If it wasn't for my prayer and persistence of wanting to know more, I would of kept thinking this church was right. I opened up my bible for the first time, normally I would just open my book of mormon (I was putting more energy in that.) My Lord spoke to me. He showed me verses that contradicted what the book of mormon stated. I can't explain the relief I had and the peace and love that surrounded me. It was like God was hugging me saying, "you're back!" I spent all day reading the word and knew I had to get out of this mess I created. My heart sank when I had to tell Ben. I told Ben, I can't be mormon. It is not right. I am sorry. He looked at me and said, well if you aren't mormon then we can't be together. That night I called to rent a Uhaul and started packing up all my stuff from my apartment. What should I do? Go back to California or Arizona...I had no where to go. I was a wreck, my heart was broken and I needed my family. Ben was great and helped me pack my stuff that night and the next morning I took off with this huge uhaul truck back to Arizona. I just wanted to get out as quick as I could. 

A child's heartache

First, I will give my readers some insight on how I grew up, I will try not to ramble but please be forgiving. Most of my friends and family know that I had a pretty rough childhood even though I tried to disguise it but this is the first time I have ever openly and honestly talked about it. I am thinking it might be theraputic for me. I am not here to make you feel bad for me or ask for any pity. Trust me, I have met many people who have had it a lot harder. I am just trying to make you understand who I am. Here it goes. Wish me luck...
Well I was born here in Arizona in 1986, my mom was not married to my dad although she did make the decision to have me and raise me. Thank you Mother. My mom was young and did not have the support from my father that she deserved. My father Steve, the nicest man you will ever meet had a disease. He was an alcoholic. My mother was never the type to try and keep me from him even though his disease was rapidly growing. She knew he loved me and I was all he had. My father till this day has never been married, has no children (but me) and by his deceitful actions  has not the best relationship with his family. I think my Mother thought that if I was still involved in his life that one day he would grow up and change. Although it never happened. The quality time I got with my Father when I was younger was hanging out at bars, keeping an eye on what he drank and him luring women into our home. I got a lot of attention at the bars because I was a little, blonde hair, blue eyes child in this adult atmosphere. I was the mascot at the bar. My dad would give me money to play the games (I learned how to play video poker at the age 5) and would give me as many shirley temples as I wanted. I believe my mom just looked the other way praying that it wasn't as bad as it was. I remember locking my dad out of his friends house who was having a party because I didn't want him to take a shot of liquor. He was already drunk enough and I knew he needed to drive us home. I was much more the parent in our relationship. I can't imagine a young child having so much responsibility but I did, I had to. I knew if something went wrong and if my dad got caught that it could be the end for us. I had to hide what he was doing and how he was acting from my mom. I loved my dad and did not want my mom to take me away from him. As a child I was also sexually molested. Not just once but a few times. It was always the same person but just during my childhood. I will not name any names and no it was not my father. He loved me way to much. Till this day I never doubt how much he loves me. It is his disease that makes him incapable of showing me. My sexual molestation was a secret. I knew in my head that it was wrong but never wanted to bother anyone with it. Too be honest I acted like it never happened. I lived my life thinking it was just a bad dream I dreamt up. I believed my lie. It  to me was just a very bad dream. I never told my dad, mom or anyone. My dad still does not know. My mom does now. It came out when I was a teenager. I don't remember why I choose that day. I got upset with my mom and acting out of emotion I just blerted it out. She started crying. Then it was there I told her that it was just a bad dream and I probably made it up. Again, believing my lie. Shortly after we went to a counselor. I remember sitting down and telling her about my bad dream. The lady sat there and looked me in the eye and said this was a very common excuse for what did happen in my life. That the details I remembered and being so young when it happened it was just not a bad dream. She explained to me that a young child's mind cannot make up the details that I had. A 5 year old does not think up something like this. I felt angry afterwards. My life was easier to just dismiss the situation as a dream. Once I realized what happened and knew it really did happen to me, I shut the door on it. I just throw it in with all my other junk. This is the first time I have openly even mentioned it. I have told some people but still the number of people can be counted on my hand. I had my father that I had to give my energy too and I had my mom (my rock) who I had to protect and make sure no man would be in the picture. My Mom was all I had and I will be damned if someone took her away from me. She was mine and the only stable person I had. My mom was my protector. One day she dropped me off at my dad's house and we went into the house and there sitting on the couch was a drunk blonde lady. My mom was puzzled and looked at my dad asking him why the hell she was there when it was his day with me. My dad said that it was his friend and she needed somewhere to go. My mom was not having it, she said that my dad could not see me if she was going to stay there. Now everything after this is a blur, it happened really quick. Next thing I know my dad grabbed me on the arm not letting go. My mom being the mama bear that she is, jumped on him and was hitting, scratching and biting him telling him to let go. My dad was not hurting me, he just would not let go of me. Finally my mom got him to let go and we took off running to the car. We hurried and locked the door and with us both crying drove right to my counselor's office. After that I still wanted to see my dad which I did. Things changed though, she got a lot more nosey of what we were doing. I got used to lying for my dad. I made my mom think he was doing better and everything was fine. One night me and my dad went to his friends house for a party. It did not take long for him to get drunk. Again, I was babysitting him, telling him what to drink, how much to drink, locking him out of the house, making him promise me that this was his last drink. It was a pretty normal night for us. (This is what we did when I was with him.) It was time for him to take me back to my mom. He did and thankfully got me their safely. I don't know how I was so lucky to not get hurt by him constantly driving with me drunk. I got to my mom's boyfriend's house (she had been dating this new guy) and after I got dropped off she asked if my dad drank today. Of course I said no. This time was different, my mom seemed more interested than normal. I insisted that he was fine and did not drive with me drunk. I was lying and she knew. That night my relationship forever changed with my father. That was it for her. My mom finally decided that I could not see him anymore unless he got help. She thought that taking me away from him was going to be his rock bottom. Well it has been 16 years since that night and we are still waiting for him to get help. Over the years have been difficult for us. I go years without seeing him or talking to him, then he will appear again and we talk. I try not to give up on him. It is hard. I have been told to keep praying for him but why? I have prayed for him for years now and we are still in the same place. I have a lot of anger because his side of the family have been so great to me but I am not that close to them. If I see them then I have to deal with my father. It is easier to not deal with him and protect myself but by doing that it has robbed me from a relationship with that side of the family. I have so much guilt about it. I wish they knew how much I think about them and love them. I am sorry I don't call or visit. It isn't you, you did nothing wrong. I just don't want to have my heartbroken by my father again. I don't want to be reminded. I have a beautiful family over there in Buffalo, New York. I talk about my Polish family quite often. I just am not close to them. I stopped visiting when my dad decided to leave rather than get help that night. I used to visit every year when I was younger. Now I have been there three times in the past 16 years. My heart aches that he took a whole side of my family away. If I visit them, I see him. 
People growing up knew I did not have my dad in my life. I hid my hurt quite well. I tried to fit in and acted like every other kid growing up in the suburbs of Arizona. My mother did a fantastic job on giving me the love and stability that I needed. I excelled in school, being involved with all sorts of clubs. I was student body president for two years in a row at my high school. I got involved in Young Life which saved my life. I had to plant my feet firm on the ground so people wouldn't know that I was a mess on the inside. I acted like my life was a breeze. Their were years it was. I was for the most part happy. Inside I missed my dad terribly, and wished he would of choose me. If you read this dad, know that I love you and my prayers have been for you to get healthy and for a close relationship between us. I know you want to be apart of my life but I needed you years ago and you are still sick. I am grown up and it hurts me that you can't see my beautiful life. God has saved me and has held my hand through the trials. I wish you could be here to meet my amazing husband. I am so in love Dad! God brought me a great man. He is my dream come true. I wish you could see me now.