I told you so...

My life has been quite the journey if you ask me. I always have to try something, fall on my face and get back up again and say, "yep you were right." I have been blessed with people in my life that will warn me and try to tell me the easy way but I have been the type to find out for myself. Which I am still confused if I would recommend that mentality to someone. I look back on my life at 25 years old thinking that there were many situations I should of listened to the advice I had rather than hear "I told you so."

I really want to share with you my testimony (which after writing this will be some in this post and my next that I am currently writing.)
 On Facebook recentley I opened my big fat mouth. Which I tend to do often. I get told I am "too honest" at times. My husband is constantly telling me how he cringed when I said "that" whatever it might be. I am just a very honest person. I tend to say something THEN think about it. 
My faith is my foundation. I take my relationship with Jesus Christ very seriously and hopefully when you first meet me within minutes you will know how much I love Jesus. I have no problem shouting it outloud. Even when I bartended, I was labled the "christian" girl. I always asked my clients about their spiritual life and had some interesting conversations. My first serious relationship was with a guy named Joe Nagy. He was openly agnostic. He believed that there was probably a "higher" being but Christianity was just a joke. It was a way for people to control weaker people and get money from it. I spent years in a relationship with him defending my faith. I can't thank him enough for putting  up with me. Today I feel like he was one of the most important person in my life when it came to establishing my faith. Without him I wouldn't of asked the hard questions. In honesty it would still be my parent's faith. I would just believe in it because I was told to. Every one used to ask me why I did date him because of his passion against my faith but he challenged me and made me really research why I did believe in it. I had to. He was very smart and knew a lot. I had to keep up. In the end I chose my faith over him. One day he asked me to choose between being with him or my God. I said my God. I knew that we couldn't be together and any future I was wanting with him wasn't going to happen. We fought to much over my faith. He was trying to save me from it and I was trying to save him from not believing in it. We are still friends and I have much love and respect for him. He asked me the hard questions and it helped me grow. Also God had a much bigger plan for me. He had someone that he was molding for me and was much better fit for me. (the love of my life and now husband Joshua) After my relationship with Joe ended I really wanted to investigate what religion I wanted to be. I was christian and loved the Lord. No doubt about that but what church was right? 
(here is me and joe)

Growing up my mom made me go to church. She thought it would be good for me because I was pretty messed up. I loved going to church, I made a lot of friends and went to church camps multiple times a year. It was more fun for me then anything else. In Highschool I got involved with an organization called Young Life. Another fun group with great people, plus all my friends went. I didn't know Young Life wad going to change my life though. 
Young Life was great for me because their approach was very gentle. Young Life strives to build relationships with kids then tell them about Jesus. They don't beat you over the head with the bible and tell you "thou shall not!" I even remember kids coming to group high or drunk. My leaders would just say, well at least they came and they are here than somewhere else." There was little judgement, and lots of love. I couldn't believe how these leaders volunteered their time for us bratty high school kids. We must of drove them crazy with our drama. I would know, because I was a Young Life leader for a few years! I had the best leaders in the world and they really brought to light what true faith in Jesus Christ was and how it was a serious decision. Being a Christian was more than just fun. I gave my life to Christ at a Young Life camp. Here are some Young Life Pictures (when I was a leader)

Of course I made a lot of mistakes during high school and college. I had high morals but people are imperfect. I loved attention from boys and got my fair share of it. Since I had no father in my life, I put my attention on dating. I dated all sorts of guys. Never the right one. I always thought I could change someone, I wanted to be their savior. Well listen up girls! You can't be! I would always have new boyfriends. Gosh if I only knew that God had someone so much better! I wish I didn't give my heart out so often. I wish I waited for Joshua.

(my sexy husband in above pic)

In March my mom, sister and I went on a girls cruise to Mexico. I was 21 and ready to mingle! ha. On the cruise of course I meet a cute guy. After Joe and I broke up I vowed I would only date someone who believed in Jesus. Well I thought I did. I met Ben who was Mormon. He was a great catch I thought. Had the same morals, wanted the same things in life. Here I go again giving my heart to someone so easily. I knew of mormonism, I grew up in Gilbert, Arizona by the way. I knew how wrong the religion was and I was going to save Ben from it. He needed to know the truth. Ben lived in Orem, Utah and I lived in Huntington Beach, California but that didn't stop us from dating. I flew for free because my mom is a flight attendant so I had no problem flying back and forth. He spent all his savings too and came out to see me quite often. I would go to his church when I was there in Utah and he would come to mine when he was in California. Again here I am in another relationship defending my faith. We talked about the differences and went round and round. Funny how things work. In my apartment building I lived next door to Mormon missionaries. I always said hello to them. I knew they weren't weird evil people. Mormon's are great people and most of my good friends are LDS. One day I got so fed up with Ben saying I had all these misconceptions about his religion so I knocked on the door and asked if they could meet with me. Of course they were thrilled. I met with them on a regular basis for 6 months. They taught me how the Mormon church was the one true church and on the outside it was everything I wanted. They lived happy lives. I wanted the white picket fence, children playing in the yard, my husband being involved in church, a morally acceptable life. Mormon's had it and I wanted it. Man, I battled it out with these missionaries. I thank them for being so forgiving with me. I kicked them out once, yelled at them, said they were wrong over and over again. They never stopped meeting with me. Soon I found myself second guessing my beliefs. Maybe I was wrong and the mormon's were right. Their religion made sense to me. The misisonaries told me that I wasn't leaving my faith, I was just adding something better to it. Sounded great, I can keep my love for Jesus, keep my boyfriend and have the love and acceptance of the mormon community. I made a choice that I wanted to be Mormon and got babtized. I kept it from my christian friends and even my family. I knew how upset they would be. I was them once, bashing the mormon faith and now here I am Mormon! How pissed will they be! I was happy being Mormon, plus I could have a family I only dreamed of. Eventually I moved to Utah to be closer to Ben. I got involved with the church, going twice a week. On Sunday and on Tuesday for their college study. I met so many fantastic people.

(me living in Utah and my loving friend's I made there)

As much as I wanted to be Mormon and had become Mormon I still felt uneasy. I was embarassed to tell people about it. Which was odd, I have no problem shouting that I love Jesus but there was no way in hell I could say I was Mormon without feeling right. I just ignored my feeling though and went on being Mormon. One day at church my bishop was talking about heaven and of course being loud mouthed I asked in front of everyone, "since I am a convert will my family be with me." I knew what they believed and it was No and that really bothered me. I needed more information. I had one on one meetings with my bishop asking him questions. I believed this was the true church but why am I seperated from my family? It tore me up on the inside. Plus Ben always mentioned how we were going to be married one day. Of course he wanted to get married in the temple. I knew that was the right thing but then I would have to wear those dumb garmets and my family can't watch me get married. Again I was bothered. I knew all this when I got babtized but actually doing it was a whole other thing. Plus I couldn't ignore this uneasy feeling I still had. I felt I was never going to be a good enough Mormon, I liked coffee and tea, I had tattoos, I felt different. Plus I was a "convert" and I felt that meant I was second class to those who grew up Mormon. 
I went to Arizona to visit my family and I was at my mom's house. She knew I was mormon and was not thrilled but of course loved me and treated me no different. She was always good with that. We were watching TV and South Park was on. We never watch South Park, I was always against it. But it just happened to be the episode on mormonism. Of course it was! My luck. My mom made us watch it. We laughed and it was very funny. I remember thinking how silly it was and I did really believe it! I believed this guy (Joseph Smith) stumbled upon these tablets, read some secret writings and Jesus came to him. Couldn't they make up a more believable story? It didn't stop me from being Mormon though, I still was. Me and Ben went back east to see my dad's side of family which I haven't seen them in 6 years. I wouldn't go alone so I brought him. While we were there we went to Palmyra. I learned more about the church. Ben was in awe of everything that was there. We went to Joseph Smith's house, walked around the forest where he discovered the writings, it was beautiful. After our vacation we went back to Utah. I resumed my meetings with my bishop and still wanted to fill myself with knowledge. I thought by gaining more knowledge it would help grow my faith and testimony in the church. It turned out the more I was learning about the church the more I was struggling with it and I just had more questions. Well, you just need to pray about it and rely on your testimony, I was told. Really, that is it?!? Something was fishy here. Why wouldn't they answer my questions more? I went to conference and saw the president and the disiples speak. Again more questions. I looked around the room asking myself if I was the only one with the questions and if I was the only one not having the full peace about it. I felt I was in a room full of robots. I even thought that Mormon's prayed the same, they were wired so different than I was. I just wanted to fit in. At this time Ben and I started fighting more and more about my questions. I just couldn't win. One night I was sobbing and on my knees praying. Please make these questions I have go away, please make me feel peace, please show me this is what is right. I wanted the Mormon church to be true. Please Lord make me see it. I see glimpse but the more knowledge I got about the doctrine the more I had doubts. The next morning I woke up in a totally different mind set. I was never so sure on a decision, I had to get out. I knew that deep feeling I had of doubt was the holy spirit. This church is wrong. This church is not a little bit wrong but a lot wrong! And me, my love for Jesus was strong and I believed it! My christian friends and family were right. I know they prayed for me everyday and it worked. I felt like a fool! Seriously, they got me and told me what I wanted to hear. If it wasn't for my prayer and persistence of wanting to know more, I would of kept thinking this church was right. I opened up my bible for the first time, normally I would just open my book of mormon (I was putting more energy in that.) My Lord spoke to me. He showed me verses that contradicted what the book of mormon stated. I can't explain the relief I had and the peace and love that surrounded me. It was like God was hugging me saying, "you're back!" I spent all day reading the word and knew I had to get out of this mess I created. My heart sank when I had to tell Ben. I told Ben, I can't be mormon. It is not right. I am sorry. He looked at me and said, well if you aren't mormon then we can't be together. That night I called to rent a Uhaul and started packing up all my stuff from my apartment. What should I do? Go back to California or Arizona...I had no where to go. I was a wreck, my heart was broken and I needed my family. Ben was great and helped me pack my stuff that night and the next morning I took off with this huge uhaul truck back to Arizona. I just wanted to get out as quick as I could.