Pregnancy questions

I stole this little questionnaire from a friend of mine's blog. Hopefully I will get to do it every week to keep track of everything...




How far along: 16.5 weeksTotal weight gain: gained 5lbsMaternity clothes: I have a few things I just had to buy. They are still a little big for me but my regular clothes do not fit either! Bahumbug.Stretch marks: I just got some which I started crying when I noticed them...on my ass-ets. Looks like I scratched my butt. But nope they are stretch marks!Sleep: I am always sleepy. At night I usually wake up once to go pee.Best moment of this week: My husband coming home from a church conference. He was in Oklahoma. I do not know what to do with myself when he isn't around. I get so bored!Miss anything: Not being so tired, throwing up and having a beer with dinner.Movement: Just the last few days I have felt a few flutters. It is either the baby or gas....Food cravings: Oh yes!! Anything salty. I told my co worker that I need a salt block like horses have. Lately it has been greek salad and funyuns. weird. Anything making you queasy or sick: everything!!!Have you started to show yet: I think so. It looks like a beer belly.Gender: We find out March 28th! Almost there.Labor signs: nopeBelly button in or out: in still. looks like a giant hole.Wedding rings on or off: On. I hope my fingers don't get that fat where I can't wear it.Happy or moody most of the time: I am a rollarcoaster. Up and down and then up and down. Looking forward to: my day off of work and a wedding we are going to next weekend. I love a little date time with Joshua. 

When will this end

Wow! It has been awhile since I have "blogged" (that is a word right?) I guess life sneaks up on you and time is non existent.

A lot of changes have happened since my last post. The big one is that we are Pregnant! It kind of bothers me that people say "we" (like I just did) because I know Joshua isn't pregnant. He did help with the process of course but he isn't sick, gaining weight and getting stretch marks. I should get all the credit.

I will tell the story on what happened....one Friday night we were laying in bed. HA! JK. Not that much of the story. hehe. I crack myself up! But seriously, we weren't "trying" to get pregnant. Not that we were doing a great job with preventing it (obviously) I was having these horrible heat flashes. OMGeez they were so annoying and embarassing! So I went to the doctor and told them, I have told them before but they bushed it off and I didn't make it a huge deal so I didn't care enough to pursue any treatment at the time. Well then they got out of hand and I got so sick of them. I went to the doctor and made such a stink about them so they told me all these tests I needed to do. One of the test was some blood work to test hormone levels. My doctor told me to get off birth control for 2 weeks and come do the test because she did not want my birth control to interfere with the results. I did. Then BAM that is how I became pregnant. It is her fault.
I felt a little odd around the middle of December. Something wasn't right. The first person I told was my hair dresser and friend Christina. I just said I felt funny and didn't know what it was. She told me, I have a feeling your are pregnant! I didn't quite buy into it because I was only off birth control for less than 2 weeks and was back on it. Then, around Christmas time I noticed that on my handy dandy phone app that I was a few days late. On December 23rd I went and bought a pregnancy test just to eliminate that idea. Which I honestly thought that there really wasn't a chance I could be. And sure enough that second little pink line shows up and says I am pregnant. I took another one to be sure and yep sure did. I wrapped up my urine soaked test so it looked like a Christmas present and gave it to Joshua. He unwrapped it was shocked, then he tried to wrap it back up....haha. He is so romantic. gag.

SO jump to 6 weeks. We had a doctors appointment and he did an ultrasound and there was our little bean flickering. 110 bpm was he/she's heart rate. We were super excited. They estimated my due date for August 24th. Now I am 16 almost 17 weeks and pregnancy has been a journey to say the least.

I know this sounds horrible but pregnancy sucks. Nothing is great about it, I think. I know I sound harsh. Of course creating a life and a baby in the end is worth it but going through the process has been horrible for me. I have been really sick. Throwing up and getting narley headaches. Everyone told me when I hit the 2nd trimester it will be so much better. Well I am here in my 2nd trimester and nope not yet. It is still awful. My mom tricked me! She told me she had great pregnancies and never felt better when she was pregnant. I guess since she is my mom that I would be the same. Too be honest it has gotten a little better in my 2nd trimester but that doesn't mean much. I throw up once a day rather than 3 times a day maybe. But I do get my good and bad days. The great news is that my boobs are rather huge. Which I was more excited then Joshua was when I told him. I was with my bestfriend at Victoria's Secret and when they measured me, I called Joshua and said, guess what I am!!! He just said, ok honey that is great. Gotta go back to work. Love you, bye. Not quite the reaction I was looking for but oh well.

We find out the sex of the baby on March 28th. I am secretly hoping for a boy but have a gut feeling it is a girl. Either way it will be fine. As long as its healthy and human right? We do have two names picked out so we are all set there. I have gained about 5 lbs so far. I was a little worried because I lost weight for awhile but the doctor does not seem too concerned. I am finally at the stage where at work customers are asking if I am expecting for not. I just think I look like I need to lay off the beer and hit the gym. I have teased a few customers by saying I am not pregnant which then they get so flustered and embarrassed they asked if I was! haha. Then I say jk I am!

I apologize if I don't sound very excited. I am, it has been exhausting going through the sickness of pregnancy. I know when I finally meet our baby then all of this will not matter. I just ask for continue prayers for us, my crazy hormones and most importantly a healthy child.

I am planning on using this blog to track my pregnancy. I think it would be neat to write about my pregnancy and to look back on it.

Also big news too is that we celebrated our 1 year on March 4th. I can't believe it has been a year already! I am seriously so blessed to have an amazing husband. Thank you Lord for providing the perfect husband for me. I just love him more and more every day. He also drives me more and more crazy everyday but he is worth it.
xoxo!!
Here are some pictures of our trip to Prescott to celebrate our One Year Anniversary.

Christ-Mas Time

Hello Friends,

I know it has been way to long since I have wrote on here. My sister about a week ago told me, that my "fans" were waiting for me to blog again. haha. Of course she is my sister and is being nice but it did make me want to. As I sit here on the couch my husband, Joshua is sitting next to me making fun of everything I am writing. Also, Scruffy is laying here farting. Well I keep getting a wif of something horrible and it is either coming from Scruff or Joshua. Funny story, this is what Joshua just told me....you wanna know a secret? Of course I do, I said. Well maybe I should give some information first. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am crazy protective of Scruffy (our dog). He is like my child no joke. Well we went to Josh's Dad's house on Christmas and Josh asked if he could take Scruffy for a walk in the desert with his Dad and his dogs. I said yes but he had to keep Scruff on the leash. Scruffy is a runner and the last thing I want is on Christmas Day him running away or something worse to happen. Plus, he is little and there are coyotes, snakes and stuff out there. They all went for a walk (his Dad, his Dad's two dogs, Joshua and Scruff) about 45 mins later came back. I asked how Scruff did and Josh said great!......(BIG FAT LIE)
Just now Joshua asked me  if I wanted to know a secret. Maybe something cool at church was going to happen, I thought. I like having the "in." Oh nooo. He just told me that the walk in the desert with Scruffy did not go as planned or like he told me. He took Scruff off the leash to see if he would just walk with the other dogs and he did for a while I guess. Then him and his Dad were talking and looked back and Scruffy was gone. Joshua ran up a big hill to see if he could find him and couldn't. He said he heard coyotes howling and grabbed a stick incase he was going to ninja fight the coyotes. His Dad in the mean time followed the trail back to his house. Dad decided to walk around the neighborhood while Joshua was still running around in the desert with his makeshift ninja sword. Finally, Scruffy was spotted in the yard of a house and his Dad chased him and grabbed him. All of this going on, and I am inside with my Mother in Law thinking things are honky dorray.After some time Joshua and his Dad walk in with Scruff on his leash. Acting like everything is okay. I don't know if I should be more mad at Joshua for lying to me or not doing what I said. I did give him a big fat I told you so!!!! Anyways, I did want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope you all had a great time. We did! This was our first Christmas together and boy being married had some challenges. Mostly it was just who's house to go to and when. Both of our parents are split up so we have double of places. It is hard to let people down and know what to do. Of course we want to be with everyone on Christmas but without a teleport machine it makes things hard. We started at my Mom's and spent the night. It was nice even though I felt like I was at the pound. We had our dog Scruffy, my Sister's dog Dos (which is this fat rat thing), my brother's dog Snickers which was about to go in heat so she was whoring it up with the other dogs, and lastly my Mom's dog Dextohh. His name is Dexter but my brother had a hard time saying his r's so we call him Dextohhhhh...Yes! Four dogs. Well 3 that act like dogs. My sister's dog is like a lump of fur that vibrates. We went to church and saw Joshua rock out, he played the snare, and 3 guitars at service. Then had dinner at my Mom's, and a fire in the backyard. He ended the night playing scrabble. Which I came in last place. Joshua won but he was keeping score so take that for what it is worth. In the morning we opened gifts and ate breakfast. We then drove to Joshua's Dad and Step Mom's house in Peoria. We got to see Grandma Betty (Josh's Grandma) and Grandpa Jim and that was great. They live in Prescott but drove down to say hi. We had dinner and opened presents. Of course loosing Scruff was in the middle of that day. I am very blessed to have such great in laws. My Father in Law is a hoot. A big kid! Loves to play music ( I wonder where Josh got that) and video games. He had to show us all of his new video games and have Josh play some. My mother in law in the background was yelling to have him turn them off. It was funny. We ended up staying the night there and finally drove back home today. Now my house looks like a tornado went through it. Presents stashed places, clothes everywhere from our suitcase we packed and left overs we acquired. I am still in a food coma to clean up. I will tomorrow. I am just glad we had a great time and that we still have Scruffy with us. I would of fed Joshua to the coyotes if he did not come back with him. Merry Christmas everyone!!!
Here are some Christmas pictures....

Me and Joshua with my Brother's dog Snickers

My Sister and Mom with their dogs.

My Brother and his new guitar

Sister and her boyfriend Erick

Nice to meet you...

I always thought that when I get married, I would be prepared. You all are probably scratching your head asking yourself what the hell I am talking about...Let me explain.

If you would of told me that I was going to get married at the court house in Phoenix I would of said you were crazy. I may not be really girly but I dreamt about my wedding day. I wanted the white dress. When Joshua and I met we knew that was it. We were meant to be, without a doubt.

Most of my good friends are married. I was the ultimate "3rd Wheel." I always asked my friends how they knew their husband's were "the one." Of course they told me, "oh you will just know." What a horrible answer!!! I wanted details. I dated many guys and never had that powerful feeling, I always had a wandering eye. This guy is great but let me just keep one eye opened incase someone better comes along. You have to keep your options opened right? I thought you would find someone who you enjoy, who is nice and liked the same things as you. Then you decide if you could marry them. They will be a good partner to spend time with. I never felt BAM! this is it. I might of wanted that with some of the guys I dated but I was more in love with the idea of being "in love." I wanted to be married and have a family so bad. Some guys I dated would be great husband's. I am not here to talk badly about them. Most of them were great! Just not for me...

The last few years have been pretty hard for me. I have had to conquer many of my demeons. I lost my job and it was really hard to find another one like it. I got spoiled because I made a good amount of money and now it was gone. I had to file for unemployment because I had rent and everything to pay for. If I look back, I wish I never did. I am still trying to crawl out of that hole. Since I was a resident of California and made a decent amount of money, it  helped me with filing for unemployment. I qualified and got $450/week. How awesome is that? Plus since my fall out with mormonism and utah I moved back to arizona. Everything in Arizona is cheaper than California but I was still getting paid from California standards. I had the life, sitting on my butt doing nothing but making a good amount of money. Plus this happened when the economy went drastically down and the government kept extending my unemployment. I was only going to get it for 6 months but after extention after extention it lasted more than 2 years! During that time I told myself to get a job. Every job I got paid less or the same. Why the heck would I work 40 hours a week to get paid the same??? That is stupid. I did keep busy traveling, I went to Hawaii many times and visited friends around the country. I fly free because my mom is a flight attendent for Us Airways. Since, I had all this free time and money I did whatever I wanted. Soon I was doing nothing. Except shop and sleep....honestly. I got so lazy. Who wouldn't be with money coming every week. My intentions weren't to take advantage of the government. But I did. I was a lazy person living off the government. (cringe) I would of never guessed I would ever be like that. I was always motivated and hard working. I was working by the time I was 12. If I could make my own money I would. I loved and took pride in working hard and earning my money. All of that dissappeared though. During the time I also was having lots of health issues. I honestly think my body got sick from being unmotivated. I fell into depression also. Next thing I know I was dignoised with a heart condition (SVT) my endometroisis was getting much worse, and mentally I was not the same. Till this day I am still pulling myself out of this hole I created. Every morning I tell myself that I need to be productive today. It is hard. Since my unemployment ended I had to force myself to get a job. I had a lot of extra time to really find something I liked or go back to school. But I did not take advantage of it. To make quick money I got a job as a cocktail server. (yuck.) Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it wasn't me. God gave me talents that I needed to exercise and I was basically telling him that my way was better plus I wanted to make a quick buck. I was making great money working at a slutty bar in Scottsdale. I only last a couple months because I hated the enviorment. I felt like a piece of meat and it was disgusting. Of course that did not even teach me a lesson. 

(Me in Hawaii)

My grandpa knew I was looking for a job and he told me that there was sign by his house looking for help. We drove there together to look at it and what do you know, a new country bar was opening. I walked in and filled out an application. I thought that this place was going to be more respectable than the place in Scottsdale. (which it is, but not by much) I wanted to bartend but had no experience. I told them that and they said, that is okay we can teach you. Sweet. I soon was a bartender. I really did love working there. The people were great and money was flowing. I knew in my head that I did not want to stay their long and it was just until I found a "real" job. Well I ended up staying because the money was too good. God is right, money can be the root of evil. In no way I am saying people who work at bars are gross because they aren't. My sister even works at a bar. I wish she didn't but who am I to tell her that? I feel like a horrible example. I was. I always tried to keep my bartending lifestyle separate from my personal life. Which for the most part I did. I worked to survive and did not want to mix the two. I always said I wasn't going to find my husband at a bar. I think God found humor in me saying this. About 3 months into working at the bar guess who I met? 

I was bar tending in my normal spot. I was always towards the back on the left side by the dance floor. This tall guy comes up and orders a drink. Since I love talking I said hello and we chatted a little bit. I was curious because at this bar there are many regulars. It was rare to spot someone I have never seen before. I noticed he had tattoos, lots of tattoos. I asked what they were and asked if he was Christian because all of them I saw were biblical. He told me, yes, I just moved here to Arizona because I got a job at a church. My eyes lit up. A hot, tall, christian man who works at a church! Luck me! Plus he didn't seem "Holier than Thou." He seemed pretty normal. I had a bad experience in the past dating a Christian man. This man (in the past) would always make me feel horrible about myself and made me feel like I was condemned to hell. The guy I used to date would constantly belittle me and made me feel that I didn't have a relationship with God because I forgot to read the bible that day or I didn't pray enough. He was extremely controlling. What a horrible experience I had. But this new guy I just met seemed pretty normal. We couldn't talk too long because I had customers to serve. He would come up here and there but we didn't get a chance to really talk. Ok I will admit it, I hit on him....I told him to call me sometime and I would introduce him to some people out here. I wasn't really going to do that, it was just an excuse to give him my number. He told me he would call me and we said our goodbyes. Little did I know the guy at the bar was my husband! 2 and a half months later we were hitched! ha! Life couldn't be any better. I love that man more than anything. I am so blessed to have a man who loves me for me and his foundation is the Lord. He strives everyday to be a good husband. As corney as it sounds, I love him more everyday. God had a plan and I am thankful I didn't screw it up. 
God truly has a sense of humor and who of thought I would meet my husband at a bar! 

Answered Prayers

Do you feel that God uses you? I do sometimes but not very often. I always wrestled with the idea that God choose me to make a difference. Sometimes I have doubt that I'm even making a differences. I feel so unworthy. It is surreal to me to think that God has specific things for me to do. He must care a lot about me, right? He does and I know but somedays I feel like I am not good enough. Especially because I am far from perfect. I have fallen many times in my faith. But I know God was always there to pick me up, dust me off and told me to try again.

Something happened today that blew my mind. Who would of thought that God would use my mistakes for his Glory. That the knowledge I did gain from my mistake helped a complete stranger. I helped saved her life. Wow. 

If you read my blog you will know (a couple blogs back) that I was once Mormon. After I researched the religion and the doubt I had, I eventually left. I had to write the Church 3 letters just to get my name off the records. I did not want any ties to the church at all. About 2 weeks ago, I wrote something on my friend Stephanie's facebook. She posted a video on how Mormons are Christian. I saw some of the responses and I wanted to chime in. I like a healthy debate, I wasn't trying to offend anyone. Most of the people were Mormon commenting on the post so I thought it would be a good idea to get another faith's idea. I did not know by doing this, it would open up a can of worms. I had many people asking me questions on how and why I left their church. During this time, this girl someone I have never met messaged me and said: 

"Hi my name is (blank) and what you said on Stephanie's page really made me think about a decision I am about to make. I wanted to know if you could talk to me about your experience. I am currently dating a Mormon guy and am about to get baptized as a Mormon. I just want to make sure this is the true church and I am making the right decision. Thanks. "

Holy crap!! She is coming to me? Wow. I sat their looking at the message and started praying. This is an answer to prayer for me. I always wanted to be used in this area but did not know how. I got worried bc I did not want to screw this up. She was exactly in my situation 4 years ago. I knew the first thing I had to do was get a prayer army. I told my close friends, my family and a few people at my church. I told them the situation and to pray for her and me. I just wanted to say the right thing and show her love in any decision she will eventually make. I did not want to make her feel like I was judging her or coming off too strong. We ended up writing back and forth. I sent her some papers I had and told her my story. Then a week goes by and no word from her. My heart sank because maybe she made up her mind and did not want to tell me. I kept thinking about her and praying for her.

 

Well, I wake up today and look at my phone and it says I have a new message It was from her!!

This is what she says,

"Hey girl, just wanted to say thank you. Truly, it took me a couple weeks to read what you sent me and to understand the walls I was building between me and the lord. I loved this man, I broke it off yesterday. One of the hardest relationship ends I've had. He was perfect but oh so lost and I couldn't follow into his world. The LDS world seems to perfect so fun so loving but they are lost it's hard for me to say this because a piece of me wants to say it's all-true and to be one of them but I would be lying to myself. All this to say you are an-answer to my parents and many of my friends prayers. Thank you fir taking the time to reach out to me. I hope someday we can meet!"

I teared up!! What an answer to prayer!! God can use your mistakes like he did mine and he did it right in front of my face! God can move mountains and I am so blessed to be apart of God's work. I hope this encourages everyone. God can use you! Let's be messengers of Christ. No matter what situation you are in, we all have a part in God's work, we just need to act.

A changed person

Honestly, I am a little drained from writing all these serious posts. They are really important subjects but this one is too. It is just "lighter." I wanted to take a moment and talk about my dog. ha....yes I have turned into one of those weird animal people. If you would of asked me a year ago that I was going to feel this way about an animal, I would of said you were crazy and stop using drugs. My dog Scruff(y) (this is how my husband told me how it is written) really changed my out look on animals. Here is the story about Scruff(y)...

Shortly after Joshua and I got married he wanted a dog. I said, no if you want a pet, lets just have a baby. Same thing right?!? Honestly, I was not an animal person at all. I sort of liked other people's animals. I never wanted to own one. They were to much work and I always thought people who were crazy about their pets had a few too many screws loose. In fact, a few years ago I went on a date with my friend's older brother. Of course the date was awkward, it was the first time meeting each other. We went to Pita Jungle and of course asked the awkward first date questions. He asked me if I liked animals. Without hesitation I said NO. Well not really. That was the last I ever went out with him. My friend called me and told me how her brother thought I was kinda weird because I said I didn't like animals. This was the first time I ever was told that my not so love for animals was a weird trait I had. Why does he care that I don't like animals....My philosophy was when you have an animal, they are just an animal. Not a human being. When they die just get another one that looks like the one you had. Not a big deal. I did not understand why people had such an emotional attachment to their pet.

Back to what I was saying, when Joshua and I got married he said he wanted a dog. No way I said. He kept bugging me about it. I told him to get a fish. No, he didn't want one of those (or a baby for that matter.) Then we compromised (as healthy married people do) and agreed that we can get a hamster. One Saturday we were driving from somewhere and he said that he was taking me to a store but it was a surprise. (Nordstrom's I hoped!) We drive to PetsMart. He said it was time for us to look at hamsters. Till this day I swear he had another motive. We walk into PetsMart and surprise surprise an animal shelter was there. Every Saturday dog shelters go to PetsMart and try and get people to rescue them. We walked around and of course we looked at the dogs. I am allergic to everything so even thinking about an animal made me sneeze and itch all over. We walk around and then suddenly my eyes caught this poor unfortunate soul. 

Here was this poodle mix dog, the ugliest creature you will ever see. He was so skinny (unhealthy skinny) he had open wounds all over his body (other dogs attacked him) and was so timid. I immediately picked him up and told Joshua that we needed to save him. He looks at me says, really...out of all the dogs, you want the broken one?!? Well YES I did! He goes on to say, this dog is ugly and pathetic....and you don't even want a dog! I have been begging you and showing you pictures online of non broken ones and you kept saying no. My mind was made up. I needed to save this dog. I knew he was pathetic looking but he had my heart. I asked the employee how much he was. He told us $160. Holy crap even for this one!? I had to put him back because as a newly married couple we did not have that extra money to spend on him. I was heartbroken! We left the store and got into the car. Next thing I know the employee is knocking on my passenger window, I roll it down and he says, I think you are this dogs only hope, he has been in the shelter for a long time and almost deemed un-adoptable. If you don't take him we will put him down. I will take whatever money you have in your wallet. I was thrilled, I ran back in there and grabbed him. Joshua filled out the paper work still shaking his head saying, what the hell are we going to do with this thing! 

I can say (as well as Joshua) that it was the best decision I ever made. We kept his name the shelter gave him because in all honesty he looked Scruffy. Now Scruffy is apart of our family. I swear Joshua is more affectionate to our damn dog then he is his wife. I have never been so attached to something before (that wasn't human.) I take Scruff with me everywhere and can't imagine my life without him. He is the most spoiled dog ever. He sleeps in between us and is an amazing cuddler. That dog is so attached to me. Sometimes it will drive Joshua crazy because if I am home he won't leave my sight. Even if Joshua calls him, unless I get up and go over to him, Scruff will not go. Scruff is always falling asleep on me and loves his Mama. When we went out of town to visit my in laws in Texas I freaked out because we were going to leave Scruff with my mom for a week. I called her all the time to make sure he was okay. My mom told me that I needed help and go to a therapist, he is just a dog Rhienna!!! Well he is my dog and is exactly what I needed. He keeps me busy and keeps me company when Joshua is working. I love him so much. 

I will admit that I am completely changed. I am now a weird animal lover that defiantly has some screws loose....

                                                                        My World

The Paul's

I told you so...

My life has been quite the journey if you ask me. I always have to try something, fall on my face and get back up again and say, "yep you were right." I have been blessed with people in my life that will warn me and try to tell me the easy way but I have been the type to find out for myself. Which I am still confused if I would recommend that mentality to someone. I look back on my life at 25 years old thinking that there were many situations I should of listened to the advice I had rather than hear "I told you so."

I really want to share with you my testimony (which after writing this will be some in this post and my next that I am currently writing.)
 On Facebook recentley I opened my big fat mouth. Which I tend to do often. I get told I am "too honest" at times. My husband is constantly telling me how he cringed when I said "that" whatever it might be. I am just a very honest person. I tend to say something THEN think about it. 
My faith is my foundation. I take my relationship with Jesus Christ very seriously and hopefully when you first meet me within minutes you will know how much I love Jesus. I have no problem shouting it outloud. Even when I bartended, I was labled the "christian" girl. I always asked my clients about their spiritual life and had some interesting conversations. My first serious relationship was with a guy named Joe Nagy. He was openly agnostic. He believed that there was probably a "higher" being but Christianity was just a joke. It was a way for people to control weaker people and get money from it. I spent years in a relationship with him defending my faith. I can't thank him enough for putting  up with me. Today I feel like he was one of the most important person in my life when it came to establishing my faith. Without him I wouldn't of asked the hard questions. In honesty it would still be my parent's faith. I would just believe in it because I was told to. Every one used to ask me why I did date him because of his passion against my faith but he challenged me and made me really research why I did believe in it. I had to. He was very smart and knew a lot. I had to keep up. In the end I chose my faith over him. One day he asked me to choose between being with him or my God. I said my God. I knew that we couldn't be together and any future I was wanting with him wasn't going to happen. We fought to much over my faith. He was trying to save me from it and I was trying to save him from not believing in it. We are still friends and I have much love and respect for him. He asked me the hard questions and it helped me grow. Also God had a much bigger plan for me. He had someone that he was molding for me and was much better fit for me. (the love of my life and now husband Joshua) After my relationship with Joe ended I really wanted to investigate what religion I wanted to be. I was christian and loved the Lord. No doubt about that but what church was right? 
(here is me and joe)

Growing up my mom made me go to church. She thought it would be good for me because I was pretty messed up. I loved going to church, I made a lot of friends and went to church camps multiple times a year. It was more fun for me then anything else. In Highschool I got involved with an organization called Young Life. Another fun group with great people, plus all my friends went. I didn't know Young Life wad going to change my life though. 
Young Life was great for me because their approach was very gentle. Young Life strives to build relationships with kids then tell them about Jesus. They don't beat you over the head with the bible and tell you "thou shall not!" I even remember kids coming to group high or drunk. My leaders would just say, well at least they came and they are here than somewhere else." There was little judgement, and lots of love. I couldn't believe how these leaders volunteered their time for us bratty high school kids. We must of drove them crazy with our drama. I would know, because I was a Young Life leader for a few years! I had the best leaders in the world and they really brought to light what true faith in Jesus Christ was and how it was a serious decision. Being a Christian was more than just fun. I gave my life to Christ at a Young Life camp. Here are some Young Life Pictures (when I was a leader)

Of course I made a lot of mistakes during high school and college. I had high morals but people are imperfect. I loved attention from boys and got my fair share of it. Since I had no father in my life, I put my attention on dating. I dated all sorts of guys. Never the right one. I always thought I could change someone, I wanted to be their savior. Well listen up girls! You can't be! I would always have new boyfriends. Gosh if I only knew that God had someone so much better! I wish I didn't give my heart out so often. I wish I waited for Joshua.

(my sexy husband in above pic)

In March my mom, sister and I went on a girls cruise to Mexico. I was 21 and ready to mingle! ha. On the cruise of course I meet a cute guy. After Joe and I broke up I vowed I would only date someone who believed in Jesus. Well I thought I did. I met Ben who was Mormon. He was a great catch I thought. Had the same morals, wanted the same things in life. Here I go again giving my heart to someone so easily. I knew of mormonism, I grew up in Gilbert, Arizona by the way. I knew how wrong the religion was and I was going to save Ben from it. He needed to know the truth. Ben lived in Orem, Utah and I lived in Huntington Beach, California but that didn't stop us from dating. I flew for free because my mom is a flight attendant so I had no problem flying back and forth. He spent all his savings too and came out to see me quite often. I would go to his church when I was there in Utah and he would come to mine when he was in California. Again here I am in another relationship defending my faith. We talked about the differences and went round and round. Funny how things work. In my apartment building I lived next door to Mormon missionaries. I always said hello to them. I knew they weren't weird evil people. Mormon's are great people and most of my good friends are LDS. One day I got so fed up with Ben saying I had all these misconceptions about his religion so I knocked on the door and asked if they could meet with me. Of course they were thrilled. I met with them on a regular basis for 6 months. They taught me how the Mormon church was the one true church and on the outside it was everything I wanted. They lived happy lives. I wanted the white picket fence, children playing in the yard, my husband being involved in church, a morally acceptable life. Mormon's had it and I wanted it. Man, I battled it out with these missionaries. I thank them for being so forgiving with me. I kicked them out once, yelled at them, said they were wrong over and over again. They never stopped meeting with me. Soon I found myself second guessing my beliefs. Maybe I was wrong and the mormon's were right. Their religion made sense to me. The misisonaries told me that I wasn't leaving my faith, I was just adding something better to it. Sounded great, I can keep my love for Jesus, keep my boyfriend and have the love and acceptance of the mormon community. I made a choice that I wanted to be Mormon and got babtized. I kept it from my christian friends and even my family. I knew how upset they would be. I was them once, bashing the mormon faith and now here I am Mormon! How pissed will they be! I was happy being Mormon, plus I could have a family I only dreamed of. Eventually I moved to Utah to be closer to Ben. I got involved with the church, going twice a week. On Sunday and on Tuesday for their college study. I met so many fantastic people.

(me living in Utah and my loving friend's I made there)

As much as I wanted to be Mormon and had become Mormon I still felt uneasy. I was embarassed to tell people about it. Which was odd, I have no problem shouting that I love Jesus but there was no way in hell I could say I was Mormon without feeling right. I just ignored my feeling though and went on being Mormon. One day at church my bishop was talking about heaven and of course being loud mouthed I asked in front of everyone, "since I am a convert will my family be with me." I knew what they believed and it was No and that really bothered me. I needed more information. I had one on one meetings with my bishop asking him questions. I believed this was the true church but why am I seperated from my family? It tore me up on the inside. Plus Ben always mentioned how we were going to be married one day. Of course he wanted to get married in the temple. I knew that was the right thing but then I would have to wear those dumb garmets and my family can't watch me get married. Again I was bothered. I knew all this when I got babtized but actually doing it was a whole other thing. Plus I couldn't ignore this uneasy feeling I still had. I felt I was never going to be a good enough Mormon, I liked coffee and tea, I had tattoos, I felt different. Plus I was a "convert" and I felt that meant I was second class to those who grew up Mormon. 
I went to Arizona to visit my family and I was at my mom's house. She knew I was mormon and was not thrilled but of course loved me and treated me no different. She was always good with that. We were watching TV and South Park was on. We never watch South Park, I was always against it. But it just happened to be the episode on mormonism. Of course it was! My luck. My mom made us watch it. We laughed and it was very funny. I remember thinking how silly it was and I did really believe it! I believed this guy (Joseph Smith) stumbled upon these tablets, read some secret writings and Jesus came to him. Couldn't they make up a more believable story? It didn't stop me from being Mormon though, I still was. Me and Ben went back east to see my dad's side of family which I haven't seen them in 6 years. I wouldn't go alone so I brought him. While we were there we went to Palmyra. I learned more about the church. Ben was in awe of everything that was there. We went to Joseph Smith's house, walked around the forest where he discovered the writings, it was beautiful. After our vacation we went back to Utah. I resumed my meetings with my bishop and still wanted to fill myself with knowledge. I thought by gaining more knowledge it would help grow my faith and testimony in the church. It turned out the more I was learning about the church the more I was struggling with it and I just had more questions. Well, you just need to pray about it and rely on your testimony, I was told. Really, that is it?!? Something was fishy here. Why wouldn't they answer my questions more? I went to conference and saw the president and the disiples speak. Again more questions. I looked around the room asking myself if I was the only one with the questions and if I was the only one not having the full peace about it. I felt I was in a room full of robots. I even thought that Mormon's prayed the same, they were wired so different than I was. I just wanted to fit in. At this time Ben and I started fighting more and more about my questions. I just couldn't win. One night I was sobbing and on my knees praying. Please make these questions I have go away, please make me feel peace, please show me this is what is right. I wanted the Mormon church to be true. Please Lord make me see it. I see glimpse but the more knowledge I got about the doctrine the more I had doubts. The next morning I woke up in a totally different mind set. I was never so sure on a decision, I had to get out. I knew that deep feeling I had of doubt was the holy spirit. This church is wrong. This church is not a little bit wrong but a lot wrong! And me, my love for Jesus was strong and I believed it! My christian friends and family were right. I know they prayed for me everyday and it worked. I felt like a fool! Seriously, they got me and told me what I wanted to hear. If it wasn't for my prayer and persistence of wanting to know more, I would of kept thinking this church was right. I opened up my bible for the first time, normally I would just open my book of mormon (I was putting more energy in that.) My Lord spoke to me. He showed me verses that contradicted what the book of mormon stated. I can't explain the relief I had and the peace and love that surrounded me. It was like God was hugging me saying, "you're back!" I spent all day reading the word and knew I had to get out of this mess I created. My heart sank when I had to tell Ben. I told Ben, I can't be mormon. It is not right. I am sorry. He looked at me and said, well if you aren't mormon then we can't be together. That night I called to rent a Uhaul and started packing up all my stuff from my apartment. What should I do? Go back to California or Arizona...I had no where to go. I was a wreck, my heart was broken and I needed my family. Ben was great and helped me pack my stuff that night and the next morning I took off with this huge uhaul truck back to Arizona. I just wanted to get out as quick as I could.